Hello, it's Me.

My first Substack entry for the first time in over a year.

“Sometimes you get to the point where you feel like if you don’t write, you’ll die,” my good friend Gretchen told me earlier this year.

(With that dramatic introduction, hello again, from this Substack which has remained quiet for the past 1+ years.)

Gretchen and I were talking about finding the time and the bandwidth to write when you have small children. While she’s already moved through this phase, I find myself right in the middle of it. This past year, I decided to keep my kids home more, and I don’t regret that at all. But this decision has resulted in significantly less time to write and to work. I’m incredibly thankful to have a flexible job at 1517, an organization that practices what it preaches in placing family first. As my husband and I have continued to have more children and I’ve reflected on the value my own parents put on family (something, of course, no one does well enough until they have kids of their own), my own expectations for work have shifted. I’ve seen how quickly the days and weeks with little kids go. They are so fleeting, and yet they are the days everyone talks about missing the most (and I find myself already missing the ones we are through). In addition, I’ve come to realize just how much my kids need me, not because I’m the most amazing mom, but because I’m their mom, and that matters quite a lot.

Motherhood is my Roman Empire: I think about what my kids need and how best to serve them every day, and yet I know the “how-to” won’t ever be crystal clear. Sure, some things are, but there are handfuls of decisions that aren’t. These start at the very beginning with things like sleep training, lip-tie correction, and which solid foods are best, and have only intensified with decisions about schooling, extracurriculars, discipline, and the like. Similarly, the tension I feel between wanting to work and wanting to mom persists, as does the ongoing realization that I continually try to find my value in something I do.

Fortunately, God’s word continues to pull me back to the reality that my ultimate value can only be found in Christ. In the granular, I guess this could sound like a cop-out. But it’s honestly the only thing that pulls me out of ruminating about whether or each decision is the right one.

So here I am, in a season where motherhood is the best thing. And the first thing because it’s the most needed thing. I know that besides my husband, these little people are currently my closest neighbors. Sometimes I love this, and sometimes I struggle with it. And all the while, I still feel the pull to create and write, even if what I can produce isn’t earth-shattering (or let’s be real, consistent) content. So that’s what I’m aiming to do: I can’t promise myself I’ll write often, nor particularly well, but write I will all the same.

With that clumsy reintroduction/confession/caveat out of the way, here are some goals I would love to use Substack for in the future:

• One thing I’m hoping to pick up again (because it’s relatively easy) is summarizing my Outside Ourselves interviews here. Hopefully, that will add a little bit of extra value to those who listen, and I know it will help me sort through my thoughts as well. While I think many of my interviews for the first half of 2025 have turned out great (Bob Hiller, Donavon Riley, and Dave Zahl all come to mind), I’ve struggled with burnout and motivation for the podcast. Perhaps one way to combat this is to spend just a little extra time mulling over the content for myself: What was my biggest takeaway from an interview? What still needed clarifying? Why do I hope people will listen?

• In addition, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the value of identity in Christ: what is this, what are the implications for how we view ourselves, each other, and how we live life? We are seeing a shift in values for young people in the West (overall, I’m hopeful this is a good thing), but my fear is that while the shift might be away from some detrimental things, it’s not a shift toward the thing, or the one who names us. Much of the talk on the conservative right still emphasizes personal meaning and fulfillment through outward virtue or inward values; in other words, the promise of fulfillment continues to be a version of law. I have a hunch, although I would like to see if it works itself out in print, that an important thread in this conversation is the connection between our identity and either freedom or the bondage of the will. In other words, to what extent can we name, create, or identify ourselves? I’m hoping to explore some of my thoughts on this topic here, and I would welcome feedback from readers as well.

• I would also love to use Substack to track and synthesize what I read. I’m admittedly terrible at finishing books, but perhaps the added pressure to summarize material will push me to not only finish but, let’s be real, start reading more. (I’m not against using the threat of the law to my advantage!)

Be on the lookout for Summer episodes from Outside Ourselves in my mini series, Summer Break. Each of these shorter episodes focuses on exploring a literary or film narrative with theological implications. The first episode, with the ebullient Ken Sundet Jones, is already out. We talk about Wicked, Luther’s theology of the cross, and some of those themes of freedom and limitations I mentioned briefly above.